I read the featureds and whatever's on the front page when I get bored or finish with Digg for the day. I usually do it to rip into the shitty entries that always seem to make it to the front page and also to find those rare gems (aka good entries) that are a pleasant surprise once in a while.
Lately it's getting pretty boring though. Xanga is one big, whining, self-piting community full of conceited nerds and fat girls consoling each other about how their "curves" are beautiful, but regardless of their *ahem* abundance of beauty they are still so much more beautiful inside than anyone skinnier than them. You know, because skinny people are all anorexic and/or unhealthy. And also, most hot girls are not attractive to any "real men" anyway, since we all know hot people must have no personality and are dumb as rocks.
*whew* don't you all feel better now after bashing on those under-nourished celebrities who are actually just representative of the everyday beauties (aka sluts! whores!) who are your real competition? But don't worry, when a "real man" comes along, he will see past her hollow exterior to her rotten core while he will praise you for your unique brand of poetry detailing the pain of being ignored and feeling ugly because of society. Your day will come sweety, don't worry! *smiles*
And then the girl smiles back at this entry, minimizes the window, waddles off for another box of ho-hos, reassured that she is beautiful and that she should feel lucky to have such great genes that ensure she will never be an unhealthy, superficial anorexic.
Oh and the concieted nerds.. that's basically the male population of xanga along with a couple females who are not actually fat but can probably qualify as a textbook butterface.
To the 5% or so of you who provide me with those rare gems--I thank you. You give me hope~
Since coming to Korea I've been stuck in one of my robot phases. That's what I call when I don't really feel anything when I feel like I should. Shouldn't I feel lonely? Sad? Miss everyone back home? Cry during these movies? Cry to hear sad news? Why don't I feel anything?
And then today it was just an abrupt, overwhelming sadness that came over me. Twice.
The first was because of my best friend. Although we had both been home all summer, we only met up one time. I had to miss her 21st birthday and after that things got a little tense. It seemed like she was pretty irked with me not just about the party but because I was not that great of a friend.. flakey flakester that I am. I wasn't sure how to tell her about going to Korea while at the same time I was still hoping to see her before I left. I would like to say that we eventually did meet up, but sadly I didn't even get to talk to her. Then I left. Feeling more distant than ever before, I wondered if I still mattered to her at all. Afraid of hearing that from her, I tried to contact her in the most cowardly ways--e-mail, facebook message, etc. I mean, hey, I'm in Korea! So there are lots of excuses.. time difference, cost, I don't know anyone's number anymore.. in my heart though I knew it was just because I was scared to talk to her. Even hesitated to tag her in my notes about Korea out of fear that she may respond with a line or two asking me to stop tagging her. It was pretty bad.
Then today I did my routine check-ups online. Seeing a new message in my facebook inbox, I figured it was Christina responding to me about our weekend plans. After clicking on it and seeing Dada's face at the top of the list of messages though, I was first confused, then scared, and finally just blown away. I couldn't bring myself to read it right away because a part of me was still scared it was a message telling me to stop contact. When I did finally open it though, seeing it was a long message brought me relief and as I was reading I felt tears just fall down my face. Since it wasn't just a fight we had, it was simply just loss of contact, I thought that maybe we would just forget about each other. That thought hurt me more than anything, because forgetting, not caring, those are so much more painful than simply hating.
And then again a little bit later I was watching old episodes of my favorite show (only show I watch actually), "The Office" and it was the episode where they find out Martin, one of the new employees from the merger, is a convict. Angela's reaction to this discovery made me think about an article I had read recently at work. At the time it was sad, but now thinking about it with Dada in the back of my mind and Angela's self-righteous attitude towards a reformed criminal magnified the effect of the article in my head. I stopped the episode and looked for the article again and once I saw even just the picture, it happened again! The floodgates opened, but this time was more like a river. I wrote a more detailed entry about it in my journal just now but I don't want to ramble on too long in this more public space.. I was basically just overcome with sadness to see how in this extreme case we as people can be so cruel to each other in order to uphold the standards that we set based on our own convictions. Too often we are so caught up in our own opinions and what we believe is right that we forget sometimes that what is "right" is not important. Somewhere along the way we have lost our compassion in this good intentioned but often mistaken belief that we must make sure justice is done..
I felt lonely being separated from my best friend. But then I imagine what this man had to live through.. how completely heartbreaking it is to think of being alive but not acknowledged.. still here but already forgotten.
but the new Harry Potter movie has the best trailer I've seen in a long time. Hell, it looks like the best HP movie in the series. Every other one that came out before just had me excited for the "new HP movie" while this one actually looks like just a damn good movie on its own.
The other trailers were good too, but this is definitely the most exciting one. I haven't been this incensed from a trailer since "Pineapple Express" had its turn.
It is probably the most polarizing movie for critics and audiences, at least for the last decade. I'll admit, even I hated it so much that I felt the need to berate it whenever I saw the damn thing anywhere. But why?
It's a complicated situation though because in this case, critics are astounded at the public for watching (in droves) an obviously bad movie (by their standards.. you know, good acting, storyline, etc.) and audiences are angry that critics could be so pretentious and don't know how to just have a good time. Now I would have been in the audience camp before--fun is fun, right? What could be better than watching giant robots beat each other and a hot girl prancing around with her boobs popping out of her top for half the movie? Just sounds like a good, mindless time.
However, one movie seemed to ruin this all by blurring the boundaries of "what a movie should be." The Dark Knight, a comic book movie, was the first to take not just a step, but a giant leap into transitioning what was once just a comic book movie into a full on serious project. It had all the amazing action sequences you could want, but was able to include brilliant performances by talented actors; no Shias or Megans here. Critics certainly lapped it up and ever since then, I feel like they've been much harsher on movies in this kind of genre since they saw what could potentially be done with them. Sadly, not every movie can be the next TDK.
I think to put it simply: Transformers 2 is NOT a good movie in any way, but it is be (completely) mindless fun for those who don't want to think in this hot, hot heat. That is, if you like it, great, you liked it. Please don't call it a good movie though, because it is so not.
**I am smart with my time and money, so I have not wasted either on this movie. I have seen the first one though, which the vast majority have told me is better, and that one was boring so I can't imagine what this movie will be like..**
Now, I think I've written my fair share about my dad in this xanga. I would stop and try to think of new, more exciting things to write about, but he never ceases to amaze me.
I graduated and came home soon after and now it's almost a month since I've been home. Winter break was the last time I'd been home and during that time I spent as much time as I possibly could with my dad. It was just doing very ordinary things like cooking for him, eating lunch with him, watching TV together, playing games, or just sitting around with coffee and chatting. I thought it would be more of the same when I came back again this time since I was coming back for good, but shamefully, I've been successfully avoiding him since I got back. That doesn't mean I have been treating him coldly or indifferently, but this has been a far cry from the past break where I had really been getting to know him.
Things have generally felt the same though, with him. Since coming back, I have been busy hustling around getting documents together, finishing up this stupid online course, and generally gearing up for a job in Korea. I had tried for a the same kind of job in Japan during the last months of spring semester and failed to get the job after the interview. I thought it was a sure thing though, so when people would ask me my plans post-graduation I would inform them about this job--it was even written into my graduation ceremony (embarrassing) and I had to correct them that *ahem* I did not get it. Wanting to avoid that kind of embarrassment again, I was keeping the status of this new job search low key and mentioning it in an offhand way if anyone were to ask.
Now things are coming to a close and the contracts have been sent to me--I got it. I don't know how to feel because my mom has been really against me going to Korea (strangely) and has been fighting against it ever since I told her I was considering it. Since I knew she wasn't keen on the idea of me going, I've been keeping my whole family in the dark on the application process.. I mean, why tell if it wasn't even a sure thing? But yes, I got my contracts yesterday and I've been going back and forth in my head about the whole thing, the reports about N. Korea wanting to go crazy on the US not a comforting side-thought.
I feel like a rambling old person. Well, back to my dad. The thing about him is, I've always described him as a happy person, the constantly smiling man. However, I've also elaborated on some of the tough times he had (was it on xanga? I don't know, but I did somewhere) and although harsh as his experiences sounded to me at the time, I know that his sufferings are no extraordinary case and many before him have suffered much more, as many after surely will. That is not my point. What makes him extraordinary is the person he is through the pain and hardship, maybe even because of them. Many parents will exaggerate their past hardships to make a point, to put some "perspective" in their child's eyes. You know, like when you hear them talk about walking 5 miles uphill just to get to school and 5 miles back, somehow also uphill, because it was just that hard and we have it soo easy now. I don't think anyone learns from that. That is parental cockiness, and when they do that, like sometimes my mom will, it goes in one ear, out the other.
So today, dad woke up late and just had time to eat dinner today and mom was out meeting a client. So during dinner, it was just me and him, almost exactly how it had been all last break. A little bit into dinner I told him about getting the contracts and waited for his reaction. He congratulates me first and then starts asking me questions about the details. He wants to know if I'll be close to my aunt, so she can show me around and give me some tips and help, stressing this point as we talk. When we talk and he starts to really talk, I find myself paralysed and unable to say anything because I'm scared to look at him, I know I might cry. Funny, those are the only times I feel like crying. Not like he talks like this very often, but when it happens.. anyway, I realize just typing out a description of what he said would make him sound like any other parent so I'm going to quote him as best as I can.
(Oh yeah, and right before this we were talking about how my mom doesn't want me to go since Korea seems like a dangerous place to be, especially with all the news reports she has been seeing lately, but I argue that news only primarily shows bad news and that she shouldn't put too much store on it as a primary source on what Korea is like right now, societally. Also, he was talking in Korean, which just sounds better, but I can't type well in Korean so I'm just doing a rough translation of it)
"You know, it's funny you say that because at the time I came to America, everyone around me was saying the same thing about it too--'it's dangerous', 'you better watch out'. It wasn't really like it was on the news though, but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard either. My siblings--your aunt and uncle--were already here and settling in so that grandma could come and we could take care of everything. When I came, they were still struggling a lot and it sounds stupid, but I was shocked by how different everything was. We had nothing here, I couldn't even talk with people. I was young then, you know, about your age, I should have been a student. That's what you do at your age, you study, you learn, you find out what you want to be. I didn't know any other way than that, so I didn't know what to do with myself. We bought a car together, the three of us, and we had to share it. I found a job and worked there in the day and went to a community college at night. It was kind of frustrating going there, why was everything so easy? Accounting courses there focused on things that we learned in our first year of high school. And you know, there was some racism too. There's always a little wherever you go, right? Well, it was just another thing I had to get used to. Well, your mom was going to come over the following year and grandma had just come too, so I knew I had to find a real job and there would be no time for school and no way of getting there since we all shared one car. I mean, I can't be selfish and always use the car myself, right? A government job looked best for me, but it was still hard. I applied everywhere and even at that time when jobs were much easier to get, it took me six months to get the job. It's ok though, I got it before your mom flew here, so I was just happy we could get by. I know it sounds hard, and it was, but I'm telling you for a reason. That whole time I had my family with me at least, my brother and sister, and then your grandma and mom came too. I just don't want you to be alone by yourself; I want you to have the tips and help I never got."
Sure he could have been bitter about anything in his past.. but he isn't. It never shows. It's just not there. I asked him how he could be so calm about everything and why he doesn't hold any grudges from his past. Then he just smiled at me and said, "because I love you," and got up and went to get dressed to go to work.
